Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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