I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
