toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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