The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
