It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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