Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
