Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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