The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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