i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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