Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize