I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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