So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I supernannyed him into submission
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
