I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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