On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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