My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
