i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
well I can't set my house on fire every night
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize