i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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