I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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