I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
