the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
