ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
