It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
