clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
