Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
