Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
