The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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