I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
