There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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