Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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