My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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