Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize