bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
