Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Text me some of your sweat
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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