I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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