My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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