My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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