Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
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He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
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The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It's shark week go big or go home
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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