yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
