she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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