What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
