you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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