margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
