Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Even my vagina gasped.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
