do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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