I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
