I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
