Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
