You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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