He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
