no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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