if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
