the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
