I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Randomize
