Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
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