Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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