Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
