Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
