I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
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... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
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You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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