bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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