They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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