yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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