she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
