yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
