she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
This is classic penis vs brain.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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