We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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